White. That’s all I see. White sheets, white walls, white clothes just white. And it’s bright. I moan and cover my eyes.
Someone is sitting beside me.
“Janelle?” she asked softly. I squint.
“How did she happen?” she grabbed my wrist. I looked down and see the paddled quaze protecting my wrist. I can feel my pulse keeping a steady rhythm. I look to my right. An IV is standing there. I follow the tangle of tubes like those puzzles in coloring books. It ends up at my arm. X marks the spot. I’m the treasure. Rotten treasure.
“Do you remember?” the soft voiced woman asks again.
Of course I remember. It was easy.

****
“Janelle we’re going to high school tomorrow!” Alice grabs my arm and tugs. My quivering lips part into a smile. I twirl my long golden brown hair around my finger and my plain, brown eyes widened at the thought of high school.
Alice my best friend since we were five. I can always spot her brown curls in the crowd. She’ll be the shortest there since she’s as tall as a fifth grader.
“Yup.”
“Imagine all the boys.” Isabelle rubs her hands together and raises her eyebrows.
Isabelle the only blonde girl I know. She’s completely boy-crazy though she hasn’t had any boyfriends.
“Imagine the work.” Susie rolls her eyes into the back of her head.
Susie is the fashion diva of the group. It’s not uncommon to find her wearing some designer. Coach, DC, you name it.
We’re in my room where we’ve always been since the beginning of third grade. Four friends. We’ve gone over outfits, classes, where to sit at the lunch room and who are the newest crushes of the year.
As we talk I can feel the ripple of sweat go down my back and reach the top of my jeans. My friends are glad to move on from our middle school. I wish it didn’t go by so fast. It’s just high school. It’s going to be the same as all the other years. Nothing will be different.
The girls leave later after about three more outfit changes each. Alice warns me to save her a seat on the bus. I nodded. If I spoke my voice might crack.
Alice plops herself beside me on the school bus. The seats are basically made out of tape holes have been poked through the cheap, brown leather too many times. It smells of hairspray, new leather shoes and you can hear the faint sound of a person breathing in and out of a paper sack.
As soon as we step off the bus it hits me. I tie up my hair and a cool breeze dries the back of my neck. I rub my hands against my jeans and fan them by my sides. I’m scared to look at my shirt. What if everyone can see the outline of my beating heart?
Alice grabs my arm and drags me along to the group of girls we knew from last year.
“I went to the beach too many times to count.”
“Heather did you get tanner?”
“Where did you get your jeans?’
“So I heard you were making out with Jason at the lighthouse.”
“Oh my god you cut your hair!”
I stay out of the usual back-to-school, what did you do summer talk. I’m thinking of ways to keep my breakfast down.
Once inside Alice and I go into one homework and Isabella and Susie into another. Our new teacher begins to tell us how the goal of our high school is to graduate all student college ready and prepare to succeed in life. My foot in going 50 miles per hour. Every time I bounce my heel off the floor I hit the corner of the desk but I don’t stop.
By lunch I’m calmer but still jumpy. Alice, Isabella, Susie and I sit together as we planned to. They jump into the conversations about the boy that smiled at Isabella or the teacher with the mole above her lip.
The mix smells of deep fried oil, Alice’s sausage sandwich and the loud belch coming from the football team ruins my appetite and I throw away my untouched food.
During science my favorite subject I can’t even think. My stomach is growling like a lion and feels squishy like the inside of a water balloon.
The night at dinner Mom asks me how the fist day went.
“Um…Okay.”
My older brother Brad talks about how in his senior class there’s this blonde he has his eye on.
“What about April?” Dad brings up his current girlfriend.
“Old news. Stacey is hot off the press.”
“Don’t let girls interfere with your football.”
“Don’t worry pops. I’m star quarterback. I’ve got it all taken care out.”
Dad seem satisfied by this. He’s into his huge thing about Brad playing for the Eagles when he’s older. He was heartbroken when I quit softball two years ago.
Gracie my younger sister spills milk onto the table and my mother doesn’t flinch. Since she’s the baby of the family, Gracie gets away with murder and more. If I was five and spilling milk still Mom would have bit my head off.
The next day things are a little smoother. The third goes by without a hitch. By the end of the week I’ve just about think I’ve got high school in check.
On Monday I hear a rumor that Alice is going out with Doug and old friend from eight grade. I ask Isabelle and Susie about it. They turn to each other and their eyes make a silent pact. I lean on one hip
“What was that all about?”
“Nothing.” Isabella chirps. Susie shrugs Alice comes up. I turned and cross my arms.
“Do you go out with Doug?”
“Well…”
“Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“Look. Can we just wait until after school?”
“Fine.” I turn and stomp off to my next class.
The afternoon Alice called as soon as I finished my homework.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“It just slipped my mind.”
“Did you tell Isabella and Susie?”
There’s a long pause and I can picture her twirling her hair round and round.
“Alice! Tell me.”
“Okay. Yes. But only cause I have science with them.”
“So? There’s something called a phone Alice.” She’s quiet again.
“Best friends tell each other things. No matter what Alice.”
“Well maybe I didn’t want to tell you.”
My heart starts racing. A lump the size of a baseball is at my throat.
“What?” it didn’t sound like my voice.
“I don’t have to tell you everything you know.”
“But that’s what best friends do.”
“Not all of them. You can keep secrets. That’s why they’re secrets.”
I can’t even believe this. Since when did this happen? A best friend means best. They tell each other everything. They know everything about each other.
“I mean why do you even care so much? You know now.”
“I’m your best friend. It’s been like this for nine years and all of a sudden you change. Do you think I’ll be fine with it?”
Another long pause.
“Doug’s calling. I’ve got to go.”
“Fine.” She hung up and all of heard was the dial tone. Loud and constant. I held the phone to my ear for a few minutes hoping she would call back. She didn’t.
I put the phone on the charger and paced back in forth.
Was I a bad friend? Did I do something? I must have. That’s why she wouldn’t tell me. I tried to think of what I did. I didn’t remember anything. I got up and went to the bathroom.
I looked in the mirror. I was a bad best friend. How could I have messed up so bad? I opened the bathroom cabinet and grabbed my mom’s razors. I paused. I placed the small green case back. That wasn’t the answer. I tapped it. It was calling my name. I closed the mirror and sighed. Deep breaths.
“Janelle! Get out already!” Brad’s fists hit the door and I jump. I opened the cabinet and slip out a razor. I push it into my jean pocket and try to act calm. I open the door and Brad pushed through me like I’m not even there.
I power walked to my room and close the door. I reach into my pocket. I can feel the sleek metal. I pull it out and made sure my door is locked.
I walked slowly to my closet and lean against the wooden doors. I run the razor’s tip against the wood quickly. Hardly a scratch. I roll up my sleeve all the way to my shoulder. Just do it. Quickly. Like the door. I close my eyes.
The razor comes across my skin and I reopen my eyes. I hardly felt anything. I run the razor across the flesh a couple more times. It’s not even bleeding. I rolled down my sleeve and thought of where to hide the razor.
I found an old stuffed animal and cut a small slit in its back. I slip the razor inside and put the toy in the back of my closet.
Later that night I examined my arm. The lines are red and had started to puff up. They were burning and feel like my arm is on fire. I place my hand over them. It’s like my arm had a fever. I covered them and tried to find a comfortable position in bed. If I laid on my arm too long, it would start to throb and I wanted to cry the pain was so bad.
I hope Alice knows I’m not really that bad of a friend. I didn’t mean to do anything to her.
The next day Alice was at my locker. Her eyes are red and puffy. Like my arm. I wore long sleeves even though it’s August and I feel like I’m in an oven.
“I’m sorry Janelle. I didn’t mean to be so rude on the phone. I just thought you were being selfish. But I was just being stupid. I did want to tell you. I really truly did.” Her voice matching the puppy dog eyes she was giving me. I rub my arms. I had done that for nothing.
“Can we start over? Pretend nothing happened?” I nodded. She hugged me and I wondered if she could feel the heat coming from my arm. Her arm hit mine and pain shot all through my body like when you step into a cold pool. I winced and let out a breath.
Alice tried to do everything for me that day. She wanted to carry my books, pay for my lunch and even sharpen my pencil. I got annoyed after a while and told her to stop. She looked at me hurt like I told her I hated her.
“It’s just…I can do it on my own.” She nodded quickly and turned away. She was going to cry. I should have went over to talk to her. But I didn’t. I knew why she was crying. For a little reason. If anyone should be crying it should be me.
Sixth period my teacher was trying to help us to study for a science test and I couldn’t even concentrate because I was thinking about Alice. How does she feel sad?
“What is the path of blood through the body?” my teacher asks. “Anybody? Anybody?”
I was the only that she didn’t tell a big secret to. Not the other way around.
“How about an easy one. What about the function of the liver in the digestive system?” my teacher makes another heart filled attempt to get our attention. It doesn’t work.
When I went to my locker there was a note.
Janelle,
Please don’t be mad. Call me later okay?
Alice
I crumbled up the note and threw it in the trash can. It missed. Just my luck.
I didn’t call Alice when I got home. What was the point? So she could say sorry to me again and answer my every call? Next week she would yell at me for treating her like a slave.
The next day Alice grabbed my arm right near the cuts and I tried to hide the shot of pain that shocked my body. This must have been what it feels to be in an electric chair. Pain shooting through you body.
“You didn’t call me. I waited for half an hour. What was more important than me?” What was she the Queen of England?
“I forgot Alice. Sorry,” she rolled her eyes.
“I’m sure.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing. What’s wrong with you?” Her eyes widened and gave me a look at said I have all the problems.
“You’re the one with the bad attitude.” She turned and walked to her class and I turned to walk to mine.
All the day Alice and I hardly spoke. At lunch she sat down and Isabelle sighed.
“This is stupid you two are acting like five year olds.” She turned from me to Alice.
“Come on. A boy is a stupid thing to fight over.”
Alice turned to me. I was rubbing my arm. It wasn’t a boy. It was her.
“Come on Janelle. Isabelle is right. Friends?” It’s what I wanted.
“Friends.”
She smiled as if I huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. The boulder that weighed one-hundred and ten pounds just like me was thrown off and she could walk freely.

-Vanessa