Friday, October 31, 2008

Cry for Me

She cries for help,
but no one answers her call.
Faces blur before her,
until she's nothing at all.

And her hope will fade,
just like her smile.
Her happiness disappears,
but only for a while.

And the sun sets
on another painful day.
All hopes that vanished,
had never truly
found their way.

Yet the days
keep her cold with fear.
In the nights,
she cringes with shame.

Maybe each day
there will be someone there for her,
whomever they may be.
Maybe one day,
she will stand tall
and finally be free.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


We were sprawling, baby.
We were sprawling out in our dreams.
We were sprawling and you were there too,
Do you remember me?

There was something I just couldn’t think of.
It was sort of like the past.
And it had this feeling that everything was falling,
It had this feeling that we weren’t going back.
But maybe in another life we were sprawling,
Won’t it please come back to me?

We were sprawling, baby.
We were sprawling out in our dreams.
We were sprawling and you were there too,
Do you care to help me?

There was this pretty little girl that I was sitting next to,
She was really kind of quiet.
But we gave her the life, and she took it with a flying heart.
She’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.
And we were sitting outside, and we only really sprawling.
No one can remember back.
But the times that we shared, were really kind of beautiful,
The times that was shared no one’s going back.

We were sprawling, baby.
We were sprawling out in our dreams.
We were sprawling and you were there too,
Did you find some help in me?

There were summer nights we were only out lying.
Summer nights when the love was good,
But we took it apart and ended up sprawling on the hood.
There was a pretty boy who kept coming close to me,
He was my life and my reasons.
But he is something that I don’t really know anymore.
He was something all too good.
And the days we were sprawling are left so far behind,
And we’re not really tough anymore.
But baby can’t you see my mind?

But we were sprawling, baby.
We were sprawling out in our dreams.
We were sprawling and you were there too,
You’re still sprawling right beside me.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Sunday evening


I hate it that you're autistic.

I hate it that you say things I know you don't mean but that still hurt some part of me only revealed by our argument.

I hate that I feel as though I kept the argument going unnecessarily.

I hate that you don't listen to me.

I hate that you only think about yourself.

I hate it that you can never be "normal" around people.
I hate that I feel embarrassed when you act autistic.
I hate it when people act condescending toward you.

I hate it when people say "retarded".
I hate that you have a 75% chance of being retarded in the real sense of the word.

I hate how guilty I feel for arguing with you.
I hate that I'm still crying.

I hate that I'm writing a sappy list poem.
I hate it that it's coming across badly.

I hate how awkward the both of us are.

I hate that nobody from a "typical" family/background understands what it's like to live with an autistic person.
I hate that people don't understand that it's not a mental illness.

I hate your music.

I hate your autistic tendencies- your talking to yourself, your perseverances, your "stims".

I hate that autism has become an integral part of my life.

I hate that I just used the word integral.
I hate that I don't fully know what it means.

I hate my English teacher.

I hate that we're expected to know so much that we can't use.

I hate stupid people.

I hate that I can't watch Madtv for at least a week after one of your parties.

I hate it when people act like they know everything.
I hate that I might come across that way sometimes.

I hate that everyone expects something from me.

I hate busywork.

I hate that you cried too.

I hate that I cried mainly because I thought you would turn it down.
I hate that I cried afterward because I was offended by something you said which you didn't mean.

I hate it that some people are going to judge me or feel sorry for me when they read this.
I hate that this might come across as stereotypical.
I hate that I constantly have to worry about being judged.
I hate that I think about that stuff.

I hate that I only have three hours now.

I hate worthless comments.

I hate people and things that waste time.
I hate that I waste a lot of time.

I hate it when people are better than me.

I hate it that I'm worried about the stupid little things.

I hate it that I want to swear right now.

I hate it that I'm going to start crying again.

I hate people who ask stupid or embarrassing questions.

I hate my empathy sometimes.

I'm sorry.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Non- Lesbianism Broccoli

Who cares?
Emma cares!
We fall off chairs
and up flights of stairs
we patch up each others boo boos
We're like band aids to each other
We feed each other bon bons
no seriously eww.
M-kay smells good
Emma would totally rape M-kay's hair.
Ok done.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Antigone Exploratory Essay Rough Draft 1

The way that our lives have been established, we have right and wrong, good and bad, and as we get older, these black and white lines get smudged in. Not because it is allowed all the time, but because us children, teens and adults begin to question it. Everyone has a little rebellion in themselves. It is shown in Antigone and just society all around us. But I honestly wonder if just because someone is older, declared an authority, does that mean that we should automatically listen or respect them?
Society, in this world, has order, class and a very adaptive generation. There are repeating factors in destructive and successful countries. There are always the latest currencies, a governmental system and different things that everyone either follows or decides not to that makes most of our cultures up. I realize that respect is wanted by most, me included, but do any of us really deserve it? I get that a lot of people want respect, desire it even, but it isn’t always reciprocated. I honestly can say that I don’t give my little siblings near enough respect all the time, and my friends do the same with their families. I haven’t heard of any family that is completely happy, that is completely getting along. It’s not always because it is a bad family, but because respect isn’t a reoccurring thing. But even if it isn’t reoccurring, is it because the disrespected have been disrespectful to someone else? Is it justified when he started it first? Or is it some bad circle, a thing that won’t stop, or really can’t stop until someone admits that they are wrong. It is a required aspect of life, or a demanded one that isn’t always followed? I’m not really sure at the moment, but maybe tying everything into the play Antigone could help.
Antigone, translated by Paul Woodruff and originated by Sophocles, it is an interesting Greek tragedy that causes controversy and questions in the end. Antigone is a strong willed, independent young woman who endures not only the death of her two brothers, but the ruling against one of them, [AV1] while the other is sanctified. She was determined from the start to bury Polyneices, saying
Go on and be the way you choose to be. I/ will bury him. I will have a noble death/ and lie with him, a dear sister with a dear brother./ Call it a crime of reverence, but I must be good to those/ who are below. I will be there longer than with you./ That’s where I will lie. You, keep to your choice:/ Go on insulting what the gods hold dear. [71-77]

Antigone essentially defied Creon, deciding that he was selfish and cruel. And he was very rude and disrespectful. But he felt that only the leaders should be respected; those who were below you were there for a reason. So when Haemon and Antigone both have their turns at trying to fight him, he cut them off without hearing a word. The chorus on the other hand, were very understanding. They understood that everyone had a voice, and that Creon would be smart to listen. If Creon had listened to both his son and future daughter in law, he would’ve still had a family. Because his whole family, both those who would’ve been so and those presently, killed themselves by stabbing or hanging themselves. It really was only because Creon wasn’t ready to be a ruler or to return some respect[AV2] . And if that isn’t a slap in the face, I really don’t know what is.
But the Creon in my life would have to be my father. In every teenager’s life, there is always one person that just bugs them. Usually an adult, they could be the pushy parent, the annoying aunt, or whatever else there could be. My dad is that person that I quarrel with. Not because we are totally different, but because we are exactly the same personality wise. While I do have aspects of my mom, my dad pretty much rules my personality. And while that sounds like it could be good, all we do is clash. About “bed times”, waking up, computer, TV, phone, curfews, and pretty much all that I am interested in. No matter what, we end up yelling. First because he was mad at me, then because I apparently, “am not allowed to raise my voice back at my parents”. Whether it is because of frustration, being mad, or just being completely upset, I have to stay within a level vocal range. I even have to make sure to smile through my work at 9 in the morning when I was planning to sleep. The reason that he is my Creon is because he doesn’t give me nearly enough respect. He considers my opinions maybe suggestions that he doesn’t need to take. But really, if he listened, we could have a lot more of a peaceful home. Now I know that I am not perfect, but neither is he. I have asked earlier on, even though my dad is older, my authority, why does he get to order me around, delegate his work to me and my brother, when I feel he doesn’t deserve it. Sure he is a good father and all that junk, but he isn’t letting me or my brother enjoy our teen years with him. He has always seen more of my mother in me than himself. But he doesn’t listen, and he doesn’t give the rest of my immediate family near enough respect (with the exception of my 6 year old sister, aka his little princess). But that is truly beside the point. He doesn’t put other perspectives into mind. He is stubborn, strong willed, and he won’t change. He doesn’t listen to my immediate family, but somehow he listens to my cousins. They all apparently think he is cool, that he is funny and all this other stuff that I just miss. Maybe he’ll show me someday, but maybe by then I’ll be sick of him. Whatever the case, I still will have to respect and listen to him. That or I’ll have to become a really strong actress.

By looking at the lives represented, I really do realize that respect is necessary. While I don’t always agree with respecting every single person, I guess it is a necessary part of keeping life in order. I’m thinking that I always new that, but almost wish that there was more of it. I mean if everyone got enough respect, our lives would be so much better. So do we need to respect other people? No, but life would be a whole lot nicer if we did.


[AV2]The quote from Haemon/Creon argument pgs 31-34

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I'm going to die

She's going to die
Her eyelids grow heavy
They have seen too much
The color drains from her face
She can barely catch her breath
Patience is running thin
Growing tired of the shots
Drawing blood
From her deathly pallid skin
The nurse’s school picture smile
The doctor’s nasal voice
“Honey, you’re going to be just fine, ok?”
The suffocating aroma
Of neatly arranged roses
Enveloped in their “Get Better Soon!” wrapping paper
Trapped under these starched sheets
Isolated from everyone
In this dark dismal chamber
Where sunlight doesn’t even stream
Through the dusty, plastic blinds
The visits became shorter and shorter
Until her friends stopped coming all together
How quickly everyone has forgotten
Even her mother
Has become a distant shadow
Weeping endlessly through the nights
Pacing the creaky floorboards
Murmuring to herself
Two weeks later
She’s behind glass windows
Falling apart in a mental hospital
Her daddy
Abandoned them 8 years ago
For his secretary
The phone hasn’t even rung
And she knows it won’t
She stares at the blank wall
Desperately looking for an answer
A reason, a logical explanation
Why, she asks herself? Why?
Am I dying alone in this hell,
With no one for comfort?
What have I done?
Why do you punish me, God?
Someone wake me up from this nightmare
She wants to be that little girl
In the faded photograph
Standing on her nightstand
Holding her parents’ hands
Strolling through the park
Twirling her blond braids
Hugging her Barbie
Carefree, no worries, no pain
She wants her life back
But Death is pulling the final straws
The cancer tumor has become malignant
Her body is growing weaker and weaker
There is no hope
Now all she does,
Is wait for him to come
To wisk her away
Maybe to heaven, if they really is such a thing
The doctor interrupts her thoughts
And sits by her bedside
The nasal voice escalates again
“Darling, how do you feel?”
The bony corpse manages to raise herself from the pillow
Her eyes are watering with the truth
Her voice is grave
“Doctor, you can’t hide from me anymore.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
But the girl can see through sweet innocence
Because she knows she can’t escape anymore
“I’m sure you have known for quite a while, doctor.”
Her bruised eyes gaze at her despondently
“I’m going to die.”

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Opposites Collide

I say I’m the sun that makes you shine,
I’m the one that makes you cry.

I’ll be there through thick and thin,
I’m the friend you’ll have within.

I need you by my side,
People say opposites attract I think we collide.

I’m going crazy figuring out what to do,
I’m only good and polished when I’m with you.

My heart tells me one thing my brain says the same,
But, my guilty conscience is holding me back, I know so lame.

I wish I never asked that day,
When what you told me nearly blew me away.

Now were gone and done,
I guess you could say that you’ve won.

Because I’ve for sure have lost,
Me in tears and sorrow is what it cost.

My Final Act

I was on my way home towards Bridgeport. Nature’s Classroom was wonderful. But you can only have so much fun outdoors in a true forest. Even though building shelters out of branches and cooking homemade honey buns over a campfire was fun, but without him being there caused me worry. I’d always think about him, wondering if he was thinking of me. I’d be scolding myself for not kissing him goodbye like I promised myself I would. It’s been two days since I’ve seen him. The bus is shaking. I’ve talked about him to my best friend Emma so much. I bet she’s about ready to strangle me if I mention him again. I kept wondering would he be there waiting or stay home like he told Emma.

I’m getting dizzy just thinking about seeing him again. The thought of him brings butterflies to my stomach and it’s like a light shines from within. We got off the bus my body is anxious to go inside the school. I walk down the familiar hallway towards my homeroom. I step inside the empty room and lay my duffel bag on the floor.

I walk towards his homeroom to see if he’s there. The room is completely empty except for the Language Arts teacher. Suddenly out in the hallway my friend Victoria comes out from the eighth grade classroom. I run at her and tackle her with a hug. She wasn’t able to come with us because of her leg injury. I smile at her and ask, “Is he here?”

“Who?” she asks with a wide grin on her face “Oh, you’re boyfriend? Oh, yeah. He’s right here.”

Immediately I jump up and down like a little kid about to get candy. I smile exuberantly and nearly fall over from excitement. Then he comes out of the class. His hair falling just below his ears it’s unnatural color as vibrant as ever. I almost tear up at how handsome he looks.

I smile at him he smiles back. His smile digs deep into my soul making the deepest darkest pits bright with light. Suddenly I notice a swarm of girls around him almost like he’s a rock star and they’re his loving fans. My face emerges with jealousy. All of the girls hold their arms out waiting for hugs they yell unison “We missed you! It was so boring at Nature’s Classroom without you!” I frown knowing they only want to have a guy of his wonderful nature embrace one of them.

No one has missed him as much as I have. I wait for him to hug them so I can give him the best hug of all. But, surprisingly he finds me in the crowd and walks towards me. I’m still dazed he found me because I’m so short. He embraces me with his strong arms and I smile comfortably and want him to hold me till I fall asleep in his safe grasp.

But, seeing the large crowd of girls around us, he lets go and smiles at me. I walk away to go to another classroom so that the sight of him hugging other girls doesn’t let out the little green monster inside me. I waited about five minutes thinking that that’s long enough I walk towards him with my other friend Emma. They’re casually talking. I clutch the duct tape wallet I had made for him at Nature’s Classroom. Our teachers stand right outside their classroom doors like guards to a kingdom. I hand him the wallet and I smile flirtatiously. A sudden idea pops into my head. Then I looked at the teachers and made sure they weren’t looking.

I place my arm on his shoulder at an awkward angle our height differences yet again interfering. Without thinking I, kiss him. My lips confused at what to do I simply plant one on him. I pull away surprised at what I’ve just had the courage to do. I kissed him on the chin; how wonderful. I wasn’t smart enough to go on my tippy toes. I laugh quietly and walk away embarrassed. My classmates around me are probably, staring in awe asking themselves, “Did Mara Kate really just kiss him?” I look back and see his face taken aback, still trying to figure out what happened. I walk down the hallway with my duffel bag towards the exit I’m ready to go.

I’ve said my proper goodbyes.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


You knew that I was there.
Covered by darkness,
it was you who rescued me.

Everyone searched for me,
but you found me
where no one else looked.
It's because of you
I can breathe.

And you sat beside me
that warm Autumn night.
You held me
for the first time.
And my hope returned
once more.

You never stopped believing.
Neither did I.
you came back for me,
and put your hands in mine.