Monday, July 23, 2007

NEED A TITLE AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

An icy blue pool of depths unknown

An old creaky wooden dock

With boats awaiting you

To take them somewhere

They’d never been before

A cool breeze

Wrapping you up

And taking you away

Delivering you to a place

Unreachable from anywhere else

The small narrow street

That you walk down

It’s like walking back in time

Back to when

You came here as a child

And felt the same breeze as you walked

To the deserted beach

Where you then fell silently

To the depths of the ocean

3 comments:

Maria said...

Good descriptions!
When you say,
"Where you then fell silently
To the depths of the ocean"
do you mean this person is a dead person walking?

Gina said...

Good edits, but it still comes off sounding like the person is drowning. :D Maybe change it to "To the deserted beach/Where you fell silently/Into the depths of the ocean". But the whole "deserted beach" thing is a little spooky. Just rethink your word choice a little bit and you'll be fine. :)

Gina said...

Title, hmm... *scratches head thoughtfully* Breeze? Silence? The Deserted Beach? The Ocean Awaits?

I dunno... take one of your favorite lines from the poem, maybe? That usually works.