Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Tranquility

In the dead of winter, I step through the newly fallen snow that will soon crust over like the snow that fell before. I follow the trail of the frozen river through a path of dense pines as they endure the bitter winter snow. The individual needles are turned white by frost while snow covers several branches. A small part of the river's surface dissolves from the heat of my touch, but the ice is otherwise dense. Soon the river ends, and I come upon two slopes. As I climb them, the icy wind whips my face and I smell the fresh scent of cool, fresh air. My taste buds tingle as I open my mouth and let snowflakes fall onto my tongue. The wind's low howl whispers through the trees as I climb the last slope. My ears are frostbitten from the intense cold, but they still hear the hushed murmur of the icy gust through the forest of tress and up the towering mountains above. I look up and see the mountains held in such high esteem. The clouds that lay above are a soft purple, reflecting peace within the peaks, and within the sky.

3 comments:

Maria said...

"I touch the surface of the river and the small part that I touched dissolves with my body heat." This is a cool description, but can you make it flow more easily by shortening it a little? Something like "A small part of the river's surface dissolves from the heat of my touch" might work better.

Don't tell me what the purple clouds symbolize! Just tell me that they reflect the peace; the word "symbolize" makes it sound like you're analyzing your own writing and justifying your cloud-color choice.

All of the description is really beautiful. You should be proud of this piece! The reason I'm nitpicking is because it's so good, and I sincerely hope you were not offended by any of the constructive criticism.

Heather said...

Thanks so much for the comment, Maria! I was not offended at all. In fact, it was all really helpful and I found your suggestions perfect. I hate it when people just say to change something and then don't you give you at the very least an idea, but you gave me an amazing suggestion, and I think it sounds a So thanks!

Heather said...

*a lot better. So thanks!