Radio Play

Before you read this, I must say that I fully expect nobody to really "get it". Don't say I didn't warn you. And I am also not entirely certain that this is finished.
-Maria

Radio Play for Muffy Brown, Cary Grant, and the Non-Rhotic Speaker

It’s kind of funny how sometimes it’s much more fun to be someone you are not than the person you are. Much more interesting that way.

I quite agree, Muffy, but you’re in no position to do that just now. You have to remember, you’re dead.

Oh, yes, that’s correct, isn’t it? Should have gotten Gerbil Life; at least then the kids would’ve gotten something out of this.

Tell me, how is that leg of yours?

Oh, Germany found it just fascinating. She looked at it all afternoon.

Indeed?

[An awkward pause.]

Hey, who’s that peeking in my window?

Why, it’s Alfred Hitchcock! Or is it Colin Mochrie? No matter… we shall have to bury you soon no matter who it is.

Oh, poo. I do so hate being dirty.

Well, one would think you’d have gotten used to it what with you dying all the time.

I guess.

[A sigh; a gentle tapping at the door.]

Who could that be?

It’s the DEATH deliveryman, no doubt!

I’ll go to the door.

I’ll handle it; you’re dead, remember?

All right; just don’t let him sell you any magazines. You know the type I mean.

[A suggestive pause.]

Yes, that Nickelodeon Magazine was perfectly awful the last time I had to read it. Perfect trash! Now, if you really want to know what in the dickens is happening out here there’s only one reliable news source in the entire world! I have a lifetime subscription to the Weekly World News. You wouldn’t believe the things they uncover! For instance, Elvis-

[Tapping again, this time more insistent.]

Well, don’t just stand there! Get the door!

[Door creaks.]

One delivery of fresh DEATH Bars!

Do come in!

No, he can’t come in!

Oh, that’s right; I’m sorry. Look, can you wait here a moment? Actually, just- just put the whole carton down and I’ll take it from here.

Whatever you say, Cap’n!

Now listen here, young man! I’m no captain; I’m the major general!

A very modern one, too, I must say.

What was that?

Nothin’, nothin’.

[A heavy thump.]

I must be going now; got more deliveries to make, people t’ see, y’know the deal.

Goodbye!

[Door slams shut.]

Dextromethophan-Enhance Apple Toffee Heath bars. How unusual.

Well, it’s better than the DEATH Coffee. Can you imagine drinking “Decaffeinated Espresso- Additives: Tetrahydrozoline and Hemlock” at breakfast? I wait until at least lunchtime to die! More considerate that way, I think.