Wednesday, May 28, 2008

night essay- lauren m

hey, it's Madeleine. My friend and I have essays due Monday and need harsh critism..... Lauren is gonna log onto mine to check her comments....... we love you guys sooooooooooooooo much..... cu at cwp

this is Lauren's.......

“The race toward death had begun.” (page 8) That’s where Elie’s story begins, living a life that he enjoyed until they came. The Germans came, crammed them into ghettos then took them away. Night, by Elie Wiesel, is the story of a young boy who witnesses and survives the Holocaust. One of the major themes of this book is death. Death by fire, combat, and starvation and exhaustion are three examples of this theme.

“In the air that smell of burning flesh.” (page 26) Death by fire. As they walked off the train, leaving behind a life they knew to a life of terror and fear. The first thing that they noticed was the smell of burning flesh from the crematories. How they could burn innocent people is beyond me. Elie saw kids and babies getting thrown into the fire without a second glance. Where was humanity? And he could do nothing if he wanted to live. He saw bodies turn into smoke and ashes, life being destroyed. It stayed with him forever. Humanity only saw what it wanted to see, looking through rose colored glasses. When they took them off, what they saw shocked them.

“The audience stared at these skeletons of the men, fighting one another to the death for a mouthful.” (page 95) The Holocaust victims were giving very little to eat. They were starved. When they were going on the train to Buchenwald, they were giving no food. Of course, the Germans had plenty, but the victims, in their eyes, didn’t deserve food, they would die eventually. They were treated like animals. At one stop, a passer by threw bread into the cattle car they were on, a fight for the crumbs of bread, broke out. A battle of savages. The Germans watched on like it was an interesting sport. But the danger and starvation was real. He saw a son attack the father but in vain for others attacked the son. Both died, lying next to each other. Turned against one another when they should have been sticking together. This is the evil that the Holocaust inflicted upon families, upon friends, upon individuals.

“Only those who could still stand were able to get out.” (page 98) When the cattle cars reached Buchenwald, those who could stand left the transport cars. About 100 got into Elie’s cattle car, only a dozen came out alive. They was no proper buriel. They just left them, not caring about anything except about what happened to them. They were given no food which led to starvation and they were exhausted. Some just went to sleep and never woke up. It made grown men cry in rage, fear, and hopelessness. No one deserves to starve. Not to be fed because they thought you weren’t good enough. Plus the fact that they were beaten, treated ill and had to work, that is not a good combination. No one cared for the sick. Every time a new person needed in, someone else died. The weakest link, always the weakest.

In the camps they threw people into the fires. They pitted people against each other by letting them kill each other over food. They starved and exhausted them till their death, not many survived. Elie was liberated form Buchenwald. Inside him were memories of these horrible times. His parents, siblings, and most of his friends were dead. He wrote the book to preserve the memories of those dead, and to show the world that the Holocaust really did exist. In this amazing book, he captures the raw emotion of feelings he had to hide inside a teenager during this terrifying account in history. “‘You don’t understand,’ he said in despair. ‘You can’t understand.” (page 5) And we don’t.


Anonymous said...

hey lauren..... this really improved, keep it up. i am definately impressed. ms. bashar will definately at least give u a B+, if not higher.

Maddie said...

srry the anonymous was me by accident.

Gina said...

Hi Lauren, this is Gina, one of the people who went to CWP last summer with Maddie. As Maddie can tell you, I'm a pretty thourough editor and can probably help you a lot in the way of grammar and rephrasing things. Don't take anything I say too harshly, because I'm not judging you, I'm helping to rework some words, if that makes any sense. :D

Okay, I'm guessing you guys are supposed to begin each paragraph with a quote and the page number to support the details in the paragraph?...

In the first paragraph, you might wnat to say the name of the person instead of "he", it clarifies everything better. Has your teacher told you to underline or italicize titles of books? Maybe it's just not showing up here. Also, add commas so that it looks like this: "Night, by Elie Wiesel, is the story of..." I would suggest adding a word like "main" or "major" to the third to last sentence. It would make more sense to combine the last two sentences as well, something like "Death by fire, by combat, and starvation and exhaustion are three examples of this theme." Altogether a very strong introduction, though. :D

I will give you more pointers later, I have to go to a family party right now. I did read the rest of your essay though. Nice support of your arguments with details, just make sure that you restate the fact that you are writing about three examples of the theme of death in your essay.

One nitpicky thing in the last paragraph: you said perservere when you meant to say preserve. I know it's annoying to do, but it really does help to read your essay out loud or have someone read it to you. That's the only way to catch little things sometimes. Good luck, and I hope you get a good grade! :D

Gina said...

Hah! I spelled thorough wrong.

Maddie said...

ok, listen to gina, i just read the finished essay.

this is really good, but a few suggestions (among other things)...

1. elaborate a little (or a lot!!!!).... ms. bashar seems to like all the facts she can get. the more u give her the better grade you'll probably get.

2.i love the end of your conclusion, that seems like one of the stronger parts of your piece.

3. put more opinion into it, is is a little like u have a checklist and you are just going through it really (really, really, really)fast.

4. make it a little more human, it's so robotic. give some of your sarcasm or even personality into it. make it relatable, but still in the Holocaust kind of frame of mind.

it sound pretty mean i know, but have i ever been known to keep my thoughts hidden??????? i mean well, but we both know that ms. bashar stinks at grading, and she'll definately be unpredictable. good luck, with a little more in spots, you shoudl get an A- easy.

Lauren said...

thank you sooooooooo much! u guys r amazing!!!!!