I knew that i was treading water
feeling things that made me sadder
i knew that what i said was mean
i was angry, not meaning a thing.
i was wrong and i couldn't realize it
saying things despite real feelings
i knew that this should've stopped
i didn't apologize till it was too late.
i cry and cry, all day long
missing things, way past gone
i may never regain her trust
but i will also never say things out of betrayingness
i didn't realize that i was wrong
until i lost her
she's way past gone
she'll never talk to me again
and this makes me hate me now and then
i never really filtered thoughts
just wrote stuff down out of frustrationess
she was the bigger person
i teared her down
and can't get her back.
I apologized
cause i'm so so sorry
i miss her now
and can't be without her.
i didn't know that i needed her
she hates me
and it seems all over
i lost my best friend today
i hate it so much
and i'll just cry
i hope to see her again
have her talk
even if it's mean
i'd rather have her slap my face
than lose her now
when i need her most.
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The Connecticut Writing Project Young Writers have their own e-anthology of their work. Enjoy!
3 comments:
maria and gina:
i know you'll have critism so bring it on. i wrote this today cause i'm really upset, but there is really no hope. thanks for commenting though, i can't wait to her your analyzations.
Some real emotions came across. Writing in the heat of the moment got you some good stuff!
I particularly liked the repeated phrase "way past gone" (you can use that more than twice in the poem; feel free to make it a sort of ostinato or repeated theme).
And now, the criticism:
Lose the "words" betrayingness and frustrationness. Please. And "i teared her down
and can't get her back" should be "I tore her down".
"I apologized
cause i'm so so sorry"
This implies that you already apologized.
Find a better word than mean. You can do better. Grab a thesaurus- cruel? malevolent? In fact, here's a link to the thesaurus.com page on synonyms for mean (use the last definition on the first page): http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/mean
"i hate it so much
and i'll just cry"
Weak. Fix it.
"but i will also never say things out of betrayingness"
Add the word "again" after the word "never" for some clarity.
With the whole "I tore her down" thing- maybe this can be extended into a metaphor of sorts?
This sounds like a tough situation, and I hope you're dealing with it better now.
-Maria
Hooooo, Maria's harsh today. But I think you can take it. :) Um, betrayingness still isn't a word... it kind of ruined the mood for a moment for me, but up to that point I have nothing to say really... LOVE the rhythm of the first two lines, how it almost rhymes... if you wanted to, you could use more of a rhyme scheme and turn this into a kick-{butt} song. The first two lines of the third stanza (which would be a GREAT chorus, by the way) are wonderful and they convey such a sense of despair.
...and frustrationness still isn't a word either. Besides that, all I would say is to either go for the rhymes or don't. It feels a little odd to read when there are some good rhymes, and then nothing. So go for the non-rhyming free verse or find a way to make the rhymes happen. It's not you, I've been so hung up on rhythm lately, ever since I helped my friend write a sonnet for her English class a couple weeks ago.
There. That better? I really hope you work this out (the poem and the situation). Keep writing this stuff! This was good, and a lot different in tone than the stuff you normally write.
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