Sunday, October 26, 2008

Sunday evening

I HATE IT!

I hate it that you're autistic.

I hate it that you say things I know you don't mean but that still hurt some part of me only revealed by our argument.

I hate that I feel as though I kept the argument going unnecessarily.

I hate that you don't listen to me.

I hate that you only think about yourself.

I hate it that you can never be "normal" around people.
I hate that I feel embarrassed when you act autistic.
I hate it when people act condescending toward you.

I hate it when people say "retarded".
I hate that you have a 75% chance of being retarded in the real sense of the word.

I hate how guilty I feel for arguing with you.
I hate that I'm still crying.

I hate that I'm writing a sappy list poem.
I hate it that it's coming across badly.

I hate how awkward the both of us are.

I hate that nobody from a "typical" family/background understands what it's like to live with an autistic person.
I hate that people don't understand that it's not a mental illness.

I hate your music.

I hate your autistic tendencies- your talking to yourself, your perseverances, your "stims".

I hate that autism has become an integral part of my life.

I hate that I just used the word integral.
I hate that I don't fully know what it means.

I hate my English teacher.

I hate that we're expected to know so much that we can't use.

I hate stupid people.

I hate that I can't watch Madtv for at least a week after one of your parties.

I hate it when people act like they know everything.
I hate that I might come across that way sometimes.

I hate that everyone expects something from me.

I hate busywork.

I hate that you cried too.

I hate that I cried mainly because I thought you would turn it down.
I hate that I cried afterward because I was offended by something you said which you didn't mean.

I hate it that some people are going to judge me or feel sorry for me when they read this.
I hate that this might come across as stereotypical.
I hate that I constantly have to worry about being judged.
I hate that I think about that stuff.

I hate that I only have three hours now.

I hate worthless comments.

I hate people and things that waste time.
I hate that I waste a lot of time.

I hate it when people are better than me.

I hate it that I'm worried about the stupid little things.

I hate it that I want to swear right now.

I hate it that I'm going to start crying again.

I hate people who ask stupid or embarrassing questions.

I hate my empathy sometimes.

I'm sorry.

5 comments:

kristen said...

This is an amazing poem, just to start off. Now let me list why.
It's serious, but it's not scary-serious, a type of serious that would make people worry about your mental well-being or anything. you're totally sane in every sort of the word. but this poem is perfectly balanced. You are serious in all of your thoughts, however you put in comical little phrases and parts (i dont know if you meant them to be funny, but i thought they were) like when you said
"I hate that I just used the word integral.
I hate that I don't fully know what it means.

I hate my English teacher." that just made me smile a bit, 1. because i know exactly what youre talking about, and 2. i use words i dont know the meaning of too!
but anyway, back on track, this poem is brilliant. it's so out there, and it shows your stream of consciousness. it's different, and it's unique, and it talks about something that many people do deal with nowadays. i give you serious props for writing this and posting it. it's good for you to get your opinion out. i know how hard it is to always have to "suck it up" because someone in your household has a disability. i know how frustrating it is. so once again, props. this poem is very good.

Maria said...

Yeah, this was completely stream-of-consciousness. I was sort of letting off steam at the same time as I was very conscious of the fact that I was writing, if you know what I mean... I was somewhat conscious of how everything was going to come across, but most of it was just going into the keyboard as it went through my head.

As for the comical parts, you know when you're really upset and all of a sudden you think of something funny, and then you get mad at yourself because you're still trying to be sad? Pretty much what was going on there.

I don't really hate my English teacher; he and his assignments just piss me off sometimes. Plus he has a tendency to be overbearing, pompous, arrogant, and full of himself, and his moods swing very fast.

Yeah, I basically do highly dislike the man.

kristen said...

yeah i get what you mean. that always happens to me too, when i'm pissed and funny things keep happening, which makes me more pissed because i want to be pissed but i cant! but yeah, sometimes you have to just let things out and forget how people will think of you, you know? you did a good job of it.

kristen said...

yeah i get what you mean. that always happens to me too, when i'm pissed and funny things keep happening, which makes me more pissed because i want to be pissed but i cant! but yeah, sometimes you have to just let things out and forget how people will think of you, you know? you did a good job of it.

Maria said...
This comment has been removed by the author.